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February 8th, 2006
5:25 AM and wide awake
For some reason I couldn't sleep. So much is going through my mind. I am basically a college grad- how scary is that? I just have to wait til June to walk to make it official. I am experiencing so many mixed emotions that I wasn't anticipating. I thought I would feel relieved to not have to worry about classes ever again. But part of me is really upset that I'm not experiencing the spring semester the way everyone else is. No one will know exactly how it feels to be done with school for another 4 months. So I kind of feel alone on an emotional level.
For those of you who aren't there yet, here's just a few of the emotions I've been going through. Please read these carefully and prepare yourself before you enter panic mode:
Holy shit-after 16 years, I am done with school forever! I will never have to take another test, sit in another classroom, pull another all nighter to study ever again, etc. I can now relax (at least for a few weeks) without a care in the world. Going to the bars during the week isn't even a question- I can stay out until the sun comes up (and I'm pretty sure it's close right now) for all I care. Sweet life!
Holy shit-after 16 years, I am done with school forever! Everything I've worked for my entire life is now over. Granted I will be looking for a job, but what does my SAT score or GPA for that matter have to do with it? (Maybe if I was applying to some six figure job my GPA would matter, but in the world of fashion, no one really cares.) This time next year, I will be a completely different person. I will be starting the rest of my life as a businesswoman. And I say businesswoman because after 3 1/2 years and my dream internship, I don't have a clue about what I want to do. I'm beginning to realize life just isn't going to be handed to me like it has been for the past 21 years and 50 weeks (almost 22-that's pretty scary too). What if things don't work out? I honestly don't know anything right now.
The next person that asks me what I'm going to do now is getting slapped. I mean that's the obvious question that should follow my statement that I am done with school. But I honestly don't have a good answer. Yes I'm going to work down in the Bahamas during spring break season, but after that I have no clue. And the days are going so fast. I honestly thought I would have more time to prepare for job interviews and stuff. This whole job thing is harder than I thought.
I tried thinking of more emotions I am going through, but I honestly think that's it for now. I know I should be going through other ones, but it still hasn't hit me yet that I am truly done. I'm not quite sure when it will hit me, but I'm sure I will ball my eyes out and go through a nervous breakdown for a while. When it happens, I'll be sure to document it.
November 17th, 2005
You're not an alcoholic if you're in college
It's Wednesday night, and again I am wasted. It's my last real semester at college, so deal with it.
I forgot how therapeutic a live journal could be. I read my entry after a sloppy night at the balloon last night, and not to pride myself, but I was pretty impressed with it. So, after a lovely girls night with Brooke, boxed wine and Hitch, I thought I would attempt to reach last entry's caliber.
I decided it was about goddamn time that I talk to the "what are we doing" boy today. Unfortunately, the conversation went as planned- horrible.
I asked to talk to him in person, but of course he refused. Boys hate talking to girls in public, because it makes them realize what a dick they are being. I of course gave in and let him talk to me via phone. I am still kicking myself for letting him have his way.
I told him how incredibly fucked up this whole situation was. In the beginning of the semester, I told him I did not want to start anything up again (we had hooked up for a while last winter). I had heard he was interested in someone I knew, and I did not want to get involved in that. He told me nothing was going on at the time. And conveniently, he decided to have feelings for this girl again immediately after telling me that he cared about me. How fucking sweet...
You know what he had to say to me? The usual bullshit guys pull in college:
"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to hurt you, IT JUST HAPPENED."
In my world, nothing "just happens". If I care about someone, I care about them. I don't care what past boy interest comes my way, I reject them in hopes that my current situation continues to improve. Apparently, boys do not think this way. Here lies the problem. Why can't you just be happy with what you have, and look forward to growing closer to someone you care about? This question will plague women for all eternity...
There is so much more to this story that I am not going to bore you with, but in the end I have been the one fucked over. It is very rare that I let myself feel anything for a Delaware boy. I do it when I trust someone, and truly believe that they will care about me for a substantial amount of time. Man did I fuck this one up. I am not sure if I am more angry with him or myself.
Sometimes it really sickens me how much my girlfriends and I talk about boys. Boys that don't give a shit about us. Boys that feed us bullshit lines while they wait for something better to come along. Boys who are far from being men, and know nothing about satisfying a woman's needs. Fuck it. But then there are times where I have a little glimmer of hope. The hope that maybe, something fabulous could happen with these boys. Well, I have spent 3 1/2 years hoping. So far, nothing remotely fabulous has happened. And I think its about time that I give up on this theory.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like without boy drama? Yeah, me too. As of tonight, I am free from the bullshit. I will let you know how it feels.
November 16th, 2005
Wow, it's been a long time. I don't even know if anyone reads this, but I really feel the need to write shit down. Please keep in mind that I am extremely wasted right now, so I may not make much sense. Then again, the whole purpose of a journal is to document your honest thoughts. So deal with the poor grammar and tangents please.
I am beginning to lose faith in men. I am 21 years old, never been in love, and losing faith. Sometimes I think to myself, "Stephanie, chill the fuck out, and enjoy the ride. Take risks, get your heart broken, and grow from it." But I have come to the conclusion that men worthwhile do not exist in this tiny ass state I call home right now. I am so sick of the terms and the bullshit that college brings. For those of you not familiar with college relationships, heres a little breakdown of relationship phases:
"Drunk Hook-up"(AKA "Fuck Buddy")- At 1 AM (yes, thats how early bars close in Delaware), and you really need ass, you call up your fuck buddy to satisfy your needs. Unless your fuck buddy is fucking another fuck buddy, they will quickly respond, and get to you any way they can. So, you get together, fuck, and if you're lucky (or unlucky, depending on your personal preference), they sleep over. You may spoon for a bit after sex, but it is just to make the other person feel worthwhile. In the morning, you will find each other on opposite sides of the bed, in an awkwardly sober situation. Depending on how frequently you guys hook up, you may offer to drive your fuck buddy home. Otherwise, they will have to do the infamous "walk of shame" through campus. (FYI, I have had to perform this embarrassing act in full bar attire on more than one occasion...) Yes, you had a fabulous night of sex, but it was only to satisfy a need. The only time you will ever talk to this person again is when you are wasted and craving yet another night of no frills sex.
"Sober Hook-Up"-HUGE step in college, considering there are very few sober moments in your week. This means that you actually find the opposite sex attractive without the aid of beer goggles. A sober college hookup is the real world equivalent of dating. Instead of going to dinner or the movies, you lay in bed together having conversations without slurring or blackouts. This stage is initially awkward if you are used to drunk hook-ups. If you can move past the awkwardness, then you can move onto the next phase. If not, you have two options: -Get wasted, pretend you like each other again, and fuck
-Move onto another drunk victim at the next big bar night.
The "What are we doing?" Phase-I consider this the turning point in college relationship world. If you can get a college boy to express any kind of emotion, consider yourself lucky. This step is usually implemented when you've been hooking up with someone for an extended period of time, and you are sick of just fucking. The conversation usually goes like this:
Girl: What are we doing?
Boy: I don't know, but I do know that we're having fun.
Girl: Yes I agree. But what are we?
Boy: I don't know, but I do know that I don't want a girlfriend. We're in college, let's just have fun.
*This is where 99% of college relationships end. Boys in college do not like to talk unless they are head over heels in love with you. Once most boys find out that their significant other (aka "fuck buddy") can form intelligent thoughts, they will dump your ass for some blonde bimbo with a nice rack. In the rare case that a boy tells you he cares about you, or he pays attention to you in public, consider yourself engaged.
Now, here's my situation:
I have gotten to the "What are we doing" phase with someone. As a girl, I felt optimistic that I got this far with a college boy. In fact, he is a frat boy, which defies all odds. The "what are we doing" convo went fairly well. We concluded that we cared about each other. He then added that he did not want a girlfriend in college, because (in his words) "We're in college, let's just have fun". I should have listened to his words of wisdom, but instead I focused on the fact that he cared about me. Again, if you are not in college, you would not understand. But telling a girl you care about them is a HUGE step.
Things were going very nicely after this little talk. And then out of nowhere, he became distant. I later learned that he was interested in someone I am friends with, but he didn't know we were friends. He was playing both us. It seems that in the end, this other girl will win.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it sucks a little, but I should just get over it. I would, if this was the first time this happened to me. As big as this fucking university is, you would be surprised at how many times I have fought over the same guy directly or indirectly with another friend or acquaintance. I am so sick of this stupid bullshit that means nothing in real world terms. I am not looking for a husband in college. I'm not even asking for a boyfriend. I just want to be more to someone than a "hook-up", and decent guys are few and far between here. The only so-called "decent" guys I have found are being pursued by countless other girls trying to find the same type of relationship I am looking for. It's all just so intense.
I really think I need to be completely on my own for a while. No more fuck buddies, no more sober hook-ups, no more what are we doing's. I don't think I have ever gone more than a month without sex since I lost my virginity. Once I reach the month mark, I get desperate and go to my backups (past fuck buddies). I think I am going to test out a new theory developed by my friends who have gone months without sex:
Once you get past that breaking point, your desire decreases. Eventually, you realize you don't need sex to keep you happy, and you stop thinking about not having it.
Sex is easy to come by in college. Meaningful relationships however, are as easy to come by as a solution to end world hunger. The bullshit relationships you have may be fun at first, but they leave you feeling empty inside. I have been fucked over (no pun intended) too many times by the assholes at this school, and pledge to remain 100% single until I find someone that will give a shit about me. Yes, I may be a little frisky for a while, but in the end I hope to discover that I can overcome the college sexual norms.
January 22nd, 2005
How Pure Are You?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
You Are 51% Pure!
0 - 19% Pure: If you haven't tried it, it probably hasn't been invented yet.
20 - 39% Pure: You haven't every kinky thing in the world, but you aim to!
40 - 59% Pure: You're a bit of a closet pervert. Who knows what else is in your closet? ;-)
60 - 79% Pure: There's a wild beast in you... somewhere. Let it free
80 - 100% Pure: You're not as innocent as you look - but still pretty innocent!
January 19th, 2005
update on my life
Watching sex and the city over and over again really gets me thinking about my life. Granted they are 30something women who have more money (and designer clothes) than I can't even begin to imagine. But a lot of things they say or do hits home. I really can't think of any specifics tonight-but it just gets me in the mood to look at my life. And for those of you who are bored enough to read about it, here's everything about home, delaware, friends, and boys:
Well, I spent 2 weeks at home for break. Usually I can't wait to get out of there, but I was actually really upset when I left this time. Maybe it was because I was only home for 2 weeks and didn't have enough time to get overly bored or angry with my mom. But I think it finally hit me that I don't live there anymore. I mean financially, sure I'm not on my own. Not even close. But realizing that the house I grew up in for 20 years wasn't mine anymore really got to me. My room feels like a guest room. I mean it hasnt changed since high school. All the pictures, the stupid things I have on my dressers, even the big D from playing tennis (which i hated and was horrible at by the way) is still hanging on my wall. I don't even recognize that girl anymore. That girl was insecure and trapped inside a body that wasn't me. People used to be shocked when I would do "crazy" things back then. I was supposed to be this good little honors girl. But deep down, that wasn't me. Looking at all that stuff in my room is sometimes a little hard to take. (Note to self: redo bedroom over the summer)
Who would ever think I would call this state home? But, this is really where I feel the most at peace.
I can do what I want, when I want to. And I certainly take advantage of that. I don't know I guess its similar to a typical college students' life anywhere. You know, work hard, party much harder. What's not to love? It's unfortunate that the real world isn't like this.
My friends here know me-the me I always knew I was. I am still the crazy one at times, but I'm not singled out because of it. They're all tons of fun and each have a little something that makes them special.
Then there's friends from home. I really can't believe how many I lost. And I'm ok with that. Like I said, in high school I was dying to get out of that mold I was supposed to fit into. A lot of people from home don't know the real me. They just think I'm the crazy one now. But the ones I do still talk to are great. There is a certain sense of distance when we're together, but we seem to look past that and enjoy eachothers company.
As usual, the most unsatisfying part of my life. The only time I was truly happy with a guy was this summer. And now that I had a little taste of that, I'm more unsatisfied than ever. I also realized I'm too young for that kind of relationship. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out what kind of relationship I need right now. So for now, I'm just having fun. I dunno, sometimes I really did wish I had someone there for me. Obviously your friends are there for you, but not the same way a boyfriend is. But then again, I can't imagine never living the sex and the city single life for a while once I have a career. And I don't see the point in being with someone that you can't see yourself with in the future. I feel like it's a waste of time. I should probably rethink that philosophy unless I want to remain single for the rest of my life. I'll put that on my mental to do list.
Well that's my life right now in a nutshell. Not bad, huh?
December 28th, 2004
yea i know sorry, 1 more i promise
Age of first kiss: 15
Number of people you've kissed: no clue.
French kissing is: one of my favorite pastimes
The worst kind of kiss is: either too much or not enough tongue
The best kisser you know: any of the girls ive ever kissed bc well girls are amazing kissers. matty ry is a guy that sticks out in my mind. im sure theres others though
The worst kisser you know: sal
The celebrity you'd like to kiss: usher-kill 2 birds with one stone (first black and first celebrity kiss-sweet)
Friend you would like to kiss: any friend ive wanted to kiss i have already
Favorite movie kiss: spiderman upside down kiss
Do you kiss on the first date?: depends
Eyes open or closed?: closed most of the time
Average number of kisses you get a day: depends if its de or ny, drunk or sober, etc
Ever kissed a friend's boyfriend or girlfriend?: nooope
The last person you kissed: chris
Best placed to be kissed: the back of the neck, mouth
Have you kissed someone of the same sex?: yes
What about the opposite sex?: yes
Do you consider kissing cheating?: yes
The longest you've gone without a kiss: uhhh maybe a few months
Kissing in public is: acceptable in certain situations
Tongue rings are: nothing special
5 details about you...
-i have dirty blonde highlights
-my hair is curly
-i have big feet
-i have big brown eyes
5 details about your appearance right now...
-im wearing flannel boxers
-i have no makeup on
-my hair is wet and in a messy bun
-i have an oversized sweater on
-i have goosebumps on my legs
5 things you did today...
-went to the cheesecake factory
-went to trader joes
-smoked 2 cigarettes
-finally bought curtain rods for my curtains at school
-took a shower
5 memorable things you did in the last year...
-went to acapulco
-went to the cave for my bday
-saw dave chappelle at the comedy cellar
5 things that everyone should know about you...
-i dont care what anyone thinks of me (well strangers i mean)
-i will tell u the truth as much as i can
-i come across as really sweet, but i like going crazy sometimes
-i love a great conversation
-my flirting doesnt mean i like you
5 favorite movies...
5 things that make you happy...
5 things that disgust you...
-the girls that took over the sae house
5 things you cant live without...
5 things you'll do when you complete this...
-talk to people online
-play spider solitare
-go to sleep
Regina George Which Mean Girl are you? brought to you by Quizilla
surprise! another boredom survey
My Father thinks I am: a virgin non-smoker
My Mother thinks I am: an alcoholic, cancer stick smoking, sex crazed, materialistic stoner (basically a more extreme version of my real bad qualities). but she also thinks im a good kid overall
My grandma thinks I am: perfect
My boyfriend thinks I am: which one? no, theres no bf that thinks anything of me
My best friend thinks I am: crazy
Your three best qualities: empathetic, confident, optimistic
Your three worst qualities: lazy, messy, scatterbrained
Three things you are often complimented for: clothes, certain skills, my boobs
A compliment you got that made you blush: nothing makes me blush
What upsets you the most is: when someone isnt there for me
Do you keep a diary? just this thing
Do you like to cook?: not really
Do you have a secret you have not shared with anybody?: hmm not that i can think of. i dont like to keep things inside
Do you fold your underwear?: nope
Do you talk in your sleep?: i dont think so
Do you bite your fingernails?: not usually-sometimes when im cramming for a test i do
Do you believe in love?: yes
Last person that called you: brooke
Last TV show you watched: real world
Last person you were thinking of: brooke i guess since i just talked to her
Do you wish you could live somewhere else?: yess especially in the winter
Do you think about suicide?: no
Do others find you attractive?: sure
Do you want more piercings: no
Do you drink?: yes
Do you do drugs?: sometimes
Do you smoke?: yes
Do you like cleaning?: no but i have to say after living with liza, i do enjoy keeping things cleaner
Do you carry a donor card?: no
Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?: yes
Have you ever ever lied to someone?: yeah
Have you ever been in a fist fight?: kind of with rynn but that was just for fun
Have you ever been arrested?: no but i got caught smoking pot with beth freshman year. that was fun...
What shampoo do you use?: garnier fructis
What perfume do you use?: escada sentiment
What shoes do you wear?: my mocassians
What are you scared of?: fire, getting my heart broken
Number of times I have been in love?: 0
Number of times I have had my heart broken?: i dont know if u could say my heart was broken bc i've never been in love. but there were 2 times soph year that i was pretty upset about guys
Number of hearts I have broken?: i dont think any
Number of boys I have kissed?: i stopped counting once i got to college
Number of girls I have kissed?: at least 10 i dont know
Number of people you have slept with: more than i should have
Number of things in my past that I regret?: o man a lot
December 23rd, 2004
i have kissed someone:
on the cheek.
on the lips.
on their hands or fingers
in my room.
in their room.
of the same sex.
of the opposite sex.
younger than me.
older than me.
with jet black hair.
with curly hair.
with blonde hair & blue eyes.
with flaming red hair.
with straight hair.
smaller/shorter than me.
bigger/taller than me.
with a lip ring.
who was drunk.
who was high.
who I had just met.
who was homosexual.
who I didn't really want to kiss.
on a holiday.
who was going out with someone close to me.
who was my good friends brother or sister.
who had been/is in jail.
in a graveyard.
at the beach.
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water.
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.
with dyed hair.
with a shaved head.
who was/is my good friend.
who was/is in a band.
who has tattoos.
who is of a completely different race than me.
in the rain.
in another continent besides where i was born.
with an accent.
with an std.
on a boat.
in a car/taxi/bus.
on a plane.
at the circus/carnival.
with a missing body part.
in the movies.